Saturday, November 15, 2008

Feeling Blue....

I've dreaded this day for sometime now....


I really do okay the other 364 days, but not this one. I'm entitled to one day to feel sorry for myself, aren't I? I need at least one day to REALLY miss her, have a good cry, and even be selfishly angry. Amanda would turn 16 today. Steve and I should be taking her to get her drivers license soon, worrying about her starting to date, and dealing with the difficulties and joys of having a teenage girl, but instead we get to just grieve today. I couldn't sleep tonight --- so I came downstairs to read through her very short journal I kept for her and look through her pictures. I thought I'd share a couple of journal entries....


November 18, 1995

Amanda's 3rd birthday was on Thursday. She was up at the crack of dawn (6:30am) ready to celebrate. Grammie and grandpa made her french toast, then we got her ready for school -- mom was going with her to work at her preschool (she loves it when mom goes to school with her!) Daddy stayed home and watched baby Jeffrey. She had a great time at school - her teacher, Mrs. Green, made her a birthday crown and her class sang "Happy Birthday" to her. Then she and mom did some errands wearing her birthday crown everywhere she went so that everyone would know it was her birthday. She was thrilled about the Barney balloon at Wal-Mart I bought for her. Amanda fell asleep on the way home and dad carried her into the house and she slept for 3 hours -- very unusual for her to even take a nap. But it worked out great, I was able to decorate the dining room and bake her cake. Later Katrina came over and babysat while her dad, grandpa and I went to a ward adult dinner. She had a great time with Katrina -- as soon as we all got home around 7:30, we let her have cake, ice cream and presents. She received a lot of Lion King presents and just loved her birthday. She's been wanting to have another birthday everyday since then.

There's been such a big change in Amanda lately -- she's just acting more grown up and she plays by herself so much better. She's just talking different. Today, we were driving in the car and she told me she wanted me happy and she wanted to see me smile. What a cutie! She's just about fully pottie trained -- I'm so proud of her! She loves going to school and playing with her friends. She's so quiet at school, but at home she's just a little chatter box. She still loves her trips to the library and reading her books every night until we take them back and check her out more. She's constantly making up songs with her daddy and is developing quite the sense of humor. She talks so clearly and adores her 13 week old brother. She's the best little helper a mom could have.


Okay, I have to add one more entry...this one made me smile...


October 1, 1996 (Almost 4)

Amanda bore her testimony in Sacrament meeting yesterday for the first time. Halfway through the meeting she kept bugging her mom and dad to take her up the podium to have her turn. Her persistence paid off, and towards the end of the meeting her dad took her up to the stand to bear her testimony. She spent the first 3 minutes (literally) saying "What dad?" repeatedly every time he whispered something to her to say. She finally blurted out "I'm thankful for my primary teachers." After which, was followed by about 2 more minutes of "What dad?" She then managed to say "I'm thankful for Jeffrey." This was again followed by a couple more "What dad?" Then "I'm thankful for mommy and Jeffrey." Then you could hear Steve whisper something about being thankful for a Prophet, after which she looked at him puzzled and replied VERY LOUDLY... "I AM NOT!" She ended there. She did great for the first time! Her parents are very proud.


Sorry I have to grieve so publicly today -- but actually, I'm feeling better now. I'll spend time with my kids today talking about Amanda, and fortunately there's church and scout meetings and then dinner with my parents and siblings at my house tonight. Enough to make this day go by quickly - which is really what I need. Thank heaven for Forever Families!! I'd be a billion times worse today without that knowledge. Tonight I'll say a prayer of gratitude for the 5 wonderful years we were blessed to have her in our lives -- we miss her dearly.


10 comments:

Lisa said...

Thanks for sharing stories about Amanda. I feel like I got to know her a little bit. It gives me so much comfort to know that both of us can be with our daughters again.

KC Mom said...

You sweet dear. I recognize in those pictures of how that is exactly Amanda looked when I met her. With her smile a mile wide that bunched up her little cheeks and her HUGE twinkling eyes. I'm so amazed at your foresight as a young mom to journal wonderful memories of your baby and that you have those entries now to give you comfort. I'm sorry for your pain. I look forward to many reunions with those we love someday and I will definately want to be there for yours.

Urie's said...

Thanks for sharing the journal entries about amanda. It is so great to remember the good times. We also truely miss amanda. Jessica and I were juat talking about he the other day. She was missing her best friend and cousin. We love you all.

Fandoria said...

Thank you for sharing those stories about Amanda. I miss her so much. Yesterday was our ward's primary program and while I absolutely loved seeing Thomas get up and give his parts, I was also remembering Amanda's last one and the part she gave. I think about that every year during the primary program. I've been looking through the scrapbook I made, reliving all those wonderful memories with her. I can still clearly hear her voice and her laugh and see her smile in my head. I am so grateful for those memories and for the way she touched my life. The way all of you did. I just want you to know that I love you guys.

Leisa

Sugar said...

We miss her also, when me and Tim were going threw some of our pictures last week and we found some of Amanda and Kenzie I get sad, angry, but happy to have had her in our lives, all at the same time! Emotions can be crazy.Love you sis.

Barbara said...

Teresa, I didn't know that you had lost a child until I looked at your blog last month and saw a picture of Amanda. You are so smart to have journaled. I think that you can have as many days as you want to have. That is something that fortunaly I haven't had to experience. I don't ever want to know that pain. I can't comprehend what you Keisa and Lisa have had to go through. Thanks for sharing. It really helps me to cherish my own children, knowing that they can be taken at any moment.

Stacey said...

Teresa - You're such an awesome mom! Thanks for sharing stories of Amanda - she truly is a little angel and it is SO wonderful that you will see her again. I wish I had kept my kids' journals like you. I know those are a real treasure.

Stacey said...

Teresa - You are such an awesome mom!! Thank you for sharing your precious memories. It's SO wonderful that you will see her again. Those journal entries are precious. I wish I had kept journals for my kids.

Mike said...

I struggle when I see pictures of Amanda and Jordan. This is one of those times that makes you so grateful for the true knowledge of the gospel. Jodie and I sure love you guys and think about you often.

Tammy said...

Hey Sweet Lady, thank you for being brave and sharing those precious thoughts and times of Amanda's life. We didnt know your precious daughter but we can see in your other children your strenght. Your family is so sweet , we know by your example that you are true believers in the great plan, aren't we so blessed to know of eternal life, forever families. You are an amazing woman thank you for your friendship. love ya!!